Don't. Get. Hit.

Repeat after me…

Sugar is bad.

Sugar is bad.

Sugar is bad.

Sugar is bad.

Sugar is bad.

Sugar is bad.

Sugar is bad.

Resolutions for 2012

Focus on roller derby!

I want to be one of the main jammers in our team. I want to be one of those jammers that people look at and go ‘she’s awesome’.

I am going to make sure I’m doing enough exercise- whether this be gym/zumba/whatever. As long as I’m exercising.
I’m also trying to eat healthier too.

I have cut down on sugar quite significantly, and noticed that I’m not as manically hungry as I used to be. Also, tea actually tastes much better without sugar!

Trying to drink more water also.

Be positive!! I spent a lot of 2011 being negative; mainly because a lot of negative things happened… this year can’t be any worse?

Focus on the friendships I have and make them stronger.

Work- be positive and learn as much as I can. Even though sometimes I want to throw tantrums and quit.

Skate as much as possible!!!

2011 summed up…

So, 2011 was not my greatest year.

I qualified as an RVN in January, after 2.5 years of working my arse off.
Left my job where I trained to move to a bigger hospital back in Leeds. I love that I’m learning a hell of a lot in my new job, and I am proud of what I have achieved. I am a damn good nurse and only want to get better. On the flipside I learned that wherever I go I will continue to be overworked and underpaid due to my inability to say no.
I have seen cases this year that have made me happy and cases that have made me cry. I have been angry and frustrated and wanted to hit many owners, but there’s still no other job that I’d rather do.

My grandad got ill around the same time I qualified. He has been in and out of hospital throughout the year and is now really not himself. He will be admitted to a home sometime in the next few weeks as my grandma cannot cope anymore. Luckily my grandma and my other grandad are still doing fine.

I went to Wrestlemania; that was awesome. Sadly the memories are now bittersweet, seeing as the person I went with is no longer a part of my life.

I discovered roller derby. Now THIS was the best thing that happened to me all year. I tried a few teams before settling with one that I love and adore. I love everything about roller derby and I love the challenge that it gives me. I love that I’m good at it and I’m proud of how good I have become. I am one of the best skaters on the team already; and I’m not saying that to sound arrogant.

My sister’s girlfriend fell out with me- still I am not entirely sure why as she never said anything; just ignored me. My sister and dad both are really vague when I ask them as well. I know its related to roller derby and it happened around the time I quit my first team but I still don’t know what the hell it is she thinks I did. Whatever it is was unintentional; she’s my sister’s girlfriend FFS, why would I do anything to upset her? But she’s never given me the opportunity to explain or apologise- instead she’s just taken herself and my sister away from me.

I no longer speak to my mother; over the past year she has shown herself to be a truly horrible person and I want nothing to do with her. I dread turning out like her. She continues to be the most selfish, self-centered person I have ever met, despite us trying to tell her and trying to communicate with her. She stayed in Australia, met a new man, and demanded a divorce from my dad. She announced her engagement to this new man on Facebook at Christmas. Lovely.

The worst thing that happened was the end of my 3.5year relationship with the boy I genuinely thought I would have spent the rest of my life with. The last 6 months or so of it was miserable, but instead of making an effort to fix it he just pulled away and acted so cold towards me. That was probably the worst part. And now he just isn’t communicating with me at all. How can you spend all your time with someone and then just pull away so easily?
Related to this I lost my cat. My lovely, handsome baby Lawrence who was the best cat I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. He now has a new home and is well looked after but I miss him. No cat will ever replace him.

I moved back to Leeds from Sheffield. I never really liked Sheffield; I was only there for one person. I prefer being back in Leeds, but I do actually miss some things about Sheffield, which I totally didn’t expect to do!

I moved in with some friends; I’ve never lived in a shared house with my friends before. It’s an interesting experience- sometimes I love it, sometimes I hate it! But it has to be done.

Mmm. I think they’re the most notable events of the year.

I’d like to say a big ‘fuck you’ to 2011. Bring on 2012; there’s going to be a big change around here…

Wise words from Bonnie D. Stroir. about the mental side of bouting.

”If you imagine that we only have so much energy, like one tank of gas, all your energy comes out of the same tank, physical, emotional and mental. So to preserve your physical energy during a bout, it helps to conserve your mental and emotional energy, as the team that wins is often the team that has the most energy physical/emotional/mental during the whole bout, not always the perceived ‘better’ team.

Practice

Most injuries occur during the last 20 minutes of practice when people have less energy. Listening to, or moaning/bitching is draining of mental/emotional energy - don’t do it before practice. Don’t ask someone “how are you, are you ok?” you don’t wanna know before practice! Exercise first then be a friend there for each other after practice. If you sense something is wrong with someone say ” hey I can tell something is up but don’t tell me now, let’s practice then go for a beer afterwards”.Exercise is good if you have had a shitty day, it can actually restore mental energy, however, if you can’t lose yourself in the game/practice or stay focused then you may need to be at home, don’t risk injury. 

On The Bench

There will times at a bout where you may sit on the bench a lot, especially if you are a rookie. Accept this is the case and that you are privileged to be on the bench regardless of how much you get picked to play. Don’t be shouting or telling people that you should be picked, you should still be a team player, your negative energy will effect everyone. The bench should be a safe place where players can brush off what happened in the last jam. Every jam should be treat as a new one, don’t let what happened the last one affect you. Think of the phrase “don’t shit where you eat”, and the bench is ‘where you eat’. Give players time to refocus, some may need to ‘go places’ or get in the zone, they are re-fuelling, preparing for the next jam. During a bout you will experience ‘flight or fight’, flight being the wild rabbit look, darting around ‘what am I doing’ then freezing, panic. Fight being the shark, ‘yeah c’mon I’m gonna take you all on grrrrr’. Shark = predatorRabbit = preyDon’t let either take control of you, take a moment to refocus and start again. If you are sat on the bench, don’t absorb the emotions of the jam you are observing if it is going badly. You will loose energy if you are emotionally connected to the jams you are not in. You will loose your focus and the negative energy will effect your performance. Unplug and trust your team to do well, there is nothing you can do about it, remember every jam is a new one and you need to be focused for that. Don’t shout from the bench even if it is encouragement. The players in the jam need to hear their jam mates and the bench coach clearly. There is already a ton of noise from the music, fans etc… Anything else you add to that is white noise which is drowning out the coach. Wait till the jam is over and cheer when they are coming off. Don’t project nervous energy onto your team if you are in wild rabbit mode. Be positive and encouraging, but not overboard as that is using energy also. Don’t follow the scores if you are mentally affected by them. You don’t need to know them, they will not change by you looking at them. If you will feel defeated and loose energy don’t look! Don’t kick your own ass on the bench if you feel you didn’t perform well. Treat yourself as you would someone else. You wouldn’t abuse someone else in the same way on the team, call them useless etc… It doesn’t help you perform. It is ‘false pride’ if you think you were not pulling your weight. No one person in a team takes all the blame or all the credit for something -all team members contributed to making something happen. If you feel inclined to kick your own ass, get it over and done with quickly then let it go and conserve energy. 

 On The Track

If you feel like the wild rabbit, ‘fake it till you can make it’ look like you know what you are doing, don’t panic. You are only 1/5th of the equation, so you only need to do your part, don’t be overwhelmed you need to get present. If you are panicky sometimes just touching a partner can be grounding, or looking over one shoulder instead of wildly everywhere getting disorientated and freaking out. Sometimes jammers freak out when they have got through the pack and are on that long way round to the pack again. Breathe and maintain focus, control your thoughts, don’t be thinking ‘omg I’ve got to get through and score ten points’, give yourself a simple achievable command like ‘score two points’, don’t put pressure on yourself, and you will maintain focus as you KNOW can score two points. Give yourself self-approval. That way your body gets used to positive approval and will perform for you. Think ‘yay I scored two points’. If you are always thinking you are crap ‘you should have scored ten points’ then your body will think ‘f*ck you’ and not respond or perform well. Game face. Be consistent whatever it is (smiling,cold, intimidating, Bonnie’s is always the smiley happy face). The minute you drop your game face the other team knows they’ve got you, what makes you click or get ticked off, and they will do it again. Whatever your face is, NOBODY should be able to change it. If you can maintain your game face, then it is a positive sign of where you are at with your mental game. Blockers - if you on your own and in wild rabbit mode, and you cannot reach out to touch a team mate to ground yourself (ie when being goated) focus and breathe for three seconds to bring it back in check. 

In The Penalty Box

Remember even if you are in the penalty you are still part of that jam. This is not like being on the bench where you cannot influence that particular jam, you will be going back into it or at least the next one. Your team is still relying on you to be focused and ready to rejoin. If a referee sends you off, stay game face, don’t waste energy physically or mentally but going off on one and losing it, you can question it appropriately and still stay focused.”

Tirrrred…

So, SO tired. Sick of working too much.

One of my resolutions for next year is going to be to say NO! to at least some of the requests from my head nurse.

Have tomorrow off, so plan to wrap Christmas presents… still waiting for a few to arrive though. I miss roller derby… can’t believe it’s a few weeks until the next practice. What did I used to do before derby again??!

Feeling generally crappy at the moment, I hate this. I hate when I get so down. I hate that nobody else realises how down I actually am and how much of a mess I am, I wish they did. I’m far too proud to ask for help. I’ll get through it though, I always do. I miss having someone around who genuinely cared about me, even if he didn’t really towards the end, and even though he never once actually noticed/commented on my depressive states. But having someone around who I didn’t want to see me in this state and who I didn’t want to upset by having them see the physical side of my mental state was great encouragement to get myself out of it; but who gives a shit now? That’s what’s making it so difficult to climb out this time.
I need aims; my first aim is to find ways to stay fit whilst roller derby is gone!!

So tomorrow, to the gym!! Or at least, to the swimming pool!

30 in 5!

Practice was awesome tonight.

I got 30 laps in 5 minutes in endurance!! So proud. I also managed to get 25 the ‘wrong’ way as well, which was decent seeing as I can’t even crossover. Happy!

Really enjoyed practicing walls, I’m a massive fan of the 2-1 formation I think. Especially liked being the ‘1’.

At one point I even managed to turn round and backwards block the jammer which I’ve not tried before, but it actually felt really natural.. and was successful!

Plus I enjoyed breaking through the walls as a jammer and felt I was getting quite good at it.

Fun fun fun!